The Danger of Dismay

As a homeschooling parent and a ministry leader I invest a lot of time, effort and most of all heart into everything that I do. I have big dreams and I expect to see them come to fruition. Last week however confirmed for me that with big dreams also come big disappointments. Now I know that can sound a little pessimistic but it's an honest statement that reminds me that I shouldn't be surprised when things don't go according to my plans. Instead I should use those experiences to deepen my faith and push harder towards those dreams. The biggest threat to my dreams aren't the circumstances that are out of my control but the state of dismay that can overcome my heart as a result of them.

Dismay means to cause someone to feel very worried, disappointed, or upset. Some synonyms are daunt, demoralize, dishearten, discourage, dispirit, frustrate, unman and unnerve. Looking at this list feels sadly like a list I could have written last week based on my own emotional state. I'm not the type to stay down for long but getting past these feelings has been a bit more difficult then usual. But after searching the Word for hope, now I think I may know why. When dismay takes hold of a heart it has the ability to take out even a trained army of fighters. 

In the first book of Samuel chapter 17 we read about how the Israelites gathered at the Valley of Elah to fight the Philistines, however when the champion Goliath stepped forward and began hurling threats and insults to them the word says, "On hearing the Philistine’s words, Saul and all the Israelites were dismayed and terrified"(verse 11). What happened next is unbelievable. These experienced fighters lost all courage, all nerve and all faith that God was still able to give them the victory. For 40 days they sunk deeper into hopelessness as they listened to taunts of their enemy. Until David showed up with the truth of God's word in his heart and on his lips and defeated Goliath, filling the Israelite army with courage once again, allowing them to pursue the fleeing Philistine army to their defeat. 

You see David had the right approach in this situation. He faced the same threat as the Israelite army and heard the same insults but instead of  being dismayed he was filled with faith in God and courage enough to take on the challenge ahead. And that's what I must do, that's what you must do. If you have been demoralized - if the challenge ahead of you seems daunting - if your plans have been frustrated - it's time to remember that the God we serve is a mighty God and that as long as we have submitted our lives, our hearts and our dreams to him then he will give us the victory in every circumstance. 

 

Things won't always go as planned but the only way to see our dreams come to life is push past the disappointment and turn to God.

Why I write: Full of grace -- Free of guilt

I've always been extremely hard on myself. My two biggest struggles in life have been with feelings of low self-worth and guilt. I remember carrying guilt about something I had done at about 10 years old well into my early 20's. I've never had a problem forgiving others, just myself. Growing up fatherless and in a stressful home environment definitely attributed to my feelings of low self-worth even though I knew I was a capable, smart young woman.

In my early teens I discovered that I could get attention and feel valuable because of my looks. I learned that I could manipulate people in order to get the validation I so desperately desired if I was just willing to give up little bits of who I was and the principals I believed in along the way. Sadly, it was a trade-off I was willing to make. When I moved to Michigan at age 16 and came to really know Christ I beat myself up for about 3 more years because of all the drama and hurt I had caused in my circle of friends. During that time though, I prayed constantly for forgiveness, deliverance from my guilt and for God to heal the hurts I had caused in others. And in time I felt freedom from that guilt.

Fast forward to 2012. Six years into marriage. Two years into motherhood. I was not the wife I wanted to be. I was not the mother I thought I would be. My self-worth had plummeted to an all time low. I would offer myself no grace, only guilt and condemnation. A journal entry from August 16th read,

"My heart is heavy and burdened...I know there is truth in your word and I find it daily but it is not made real in my life. Guilt enslaves me and shame covers me. Thoughts of death tempt me. A heaviness makes it hard for me to breath. I'm sinking into a pit of my own despair. I remember the trials and triumphs of my past. The sufferings and difficulties you brought me out of and they seem far and small. But now my soul is in the balance, it cries out. Free me from these chains. Give me the strength to overcome...I don't even feel you here now. I know you hear me and see me but are you here with me?...I feel like a failure...Rescue me!"

After this, I knew I couldn't can take it on my own anymore and as difficult as it was I confided in my husband the struggles I was facing. Now let me explain, it was not difficult to tell him because I was afraid of how he might react. It was difficult to tell him because I felt guilty about being such a messed up wife. In my mind he deserved better than to have to try to "fix" my brokenness. I told him that at the slightest failure I would be flooded with voices in my head that told me that I would never change, that I would never accomplish anything and that the world was better off without me in it. And that I was sorry that he had such a damaged women for a wife.  

And you know what he did? He ministered to me. He reminded me of my worth - to him, to my daughter, to God - he reassured me that I was loved, he reminded me that I was capable and valuable and that I would accomplish the things that set out to and that God had a great purpose for me. He ministered to me in a way that only a husband with a heart after God's own heart can do.

Now, with my spirits lifted I had to figure out a way to  silence the voices in my head. Being the visual person that I am I needed a way that I could be constantly reminded of who I was. So I grabbed a roll of wrapping paper, rolled out a large portion onto my bedroom wall with the blank side facing out and with a black sharpie I started writing. Writing the opposite of what those voices were saying.

 Complete and Lacking Nothing

• My existence is not a waste.
• I love my husband and my life.
• I am a good mother.
• I am special.
• I am powerful
• I have a healthy loving relationship with my daughter.
• I control my emotions, my emotions do not control me.
• I have a Father in heaven who loves me.
• My husband is blessed.
• My dreams will come true.
• My desire is for my husband alone.
• I am a blessing to others.
• I am full of ideas and potential and I can follow through to the end.
• I am a success.
• I can overcome.

And on and on.

Everyday for I don't know how long I would read over every statement. Some times I would lay in bed and stare at one statement in particular until I felt the truth of it penetrate my heart. Sometimes I would ask my husband to guess which one I was looking at or thinking about that day. Sometimes I would ask him to speak one of them over me. Then I began to add declarations from the word to it and words that had been spoken to me by men and women of God over the years to confirm in me even more who I really was. Full of grace -- Free of guilt.

 Complete and Lacking Nothing - Why I Write: Full of grace -- Free of guilt

I can't tell you how long that poster stood on my wall - over a year at least - but in that time I learned that - for me - the most powerful tool I had against the enemy was what I declared about myself. Because he couldn't make me believe something about myself that I knew was false. But God could make something true of me that previously was not, if I declared it to be so.

That's when I decided to begin writing about the power of God's word to truly change lives. You see the enemy spoke lies to me from early on in my life and although I knew the truth about myself it wasn't until I began to declare in my heart and with my mouth the truth of who I was in Christ, that I found the power to silence him. And that's what I want to share with others. That there is always a word of God that if declared will completely negate the word of the enemy and give victory to the one who believes it.

Today I sit at my desk surrounded love letters from my husband and by verses that I have written on sticky notes and scraps of paper that I look at frequently, meditate on and declare over not only myself but my family, my friends and other believers. Because I  know that they are not just nicely written words of encouragement. They are life. They are truth. They are power.

And I want to help others to know that too.



And that's why I write.

 Complete and Lacking Nothing - Why I Write: Full of grace -- Free of guilt

"As for God, his way is perfect: The Lord's word is flawless; he shields all who take refuge in him. Psalm 18:30"

I am not who I once was. - Complete and Lacking Nothing - Why I Write: Full of grace -- Free of guilt

 

Complete and Lacking Nothing

Yesterday, as I was running errands, I unexpectedly found myself under attack. I didn't know it when I left the house that morning but my enemy was laying in wait for me along my path. Being caught off guard I allowed him to get in a few heavy hits but then my training kicked in and with one move I knocked him out. But not without learning a valuable lesson in the process.

You see in the past I have struggled with self worth and confidence but over the last year or so the Lord has been building me up. Showing me who I am in him, who he has created me to be and the strength that I can find in him through his word, his Son and his Holy Spirit. So when I found myself being tested in this area my flesh thought it knew all the answers. It cried out, "Validate me, Give me worth, Satisfy me!" Although it's voice was weak, hearing it filled me with fear and anxiety and I thought, this is not right, this is not the correct answer. That's when I hear another voice, louder than the first saying, "There is nothing that this world can offer that is better than what I already have. I am priceless gem in the hands of my Father. His word gives me satisfaction and joy and through it I have many blessings." It was the voice of  my spirit echoing the voice of my Father.

After hearing the truth of who I am I was encouraged and reminded that there was a reason this sudden attack came to me. While driving in my car I began to speak out loud to myself and to the spirits in the air, "I am a threat to the kingdom of darkness. I am a threat to the kingdom of darkness. I am a great threat to the kingdom of darkness. I am a GREAT threat to the kingdom of darkness." And that's where I really found my confidence because I knew that the attack itself was not important, what was important was the reason for the attack which was to debilitate me because I am a great threat to the kingdom of darkness. God is preparing me - training me - to be a valiant warrior for His kingdom. To bring hope and deliverance to those who are captive through the saving grace of Jesus Christ.

So what started as a attack on my weaknesses ended as a display of His strength. And I'm ok with that because at the end of the day I am purified and He is glorified.

My brothers and sisters, think of the various tests you encounter as occasions for joy. After all, you know that the testing of your faith produces endurance. Let this endurance complete its work so that you may be fully mature, complete and lacking nothing.

James 1:2-4

Avoiding Scars

If anyone were foolish enough to think that marriage is easy that person would be --- well, a fool.  Being in a marriage requires constant give and take, constant grace and forgiveness, constant care and vigilance and so on. Those who are lucky enough to receive good advice prior to marriage and actually take it to heart and put it in practice are a step ahead of the game. (Side note: Whoever said, "Love means never having to say I'm sorry" could not have been in a healthy relationship.) Others have to learn things the hard way and that's when marriages are made stronger or fall to pieces. 

No marriage is perfect. Even if a marriage never goes through a "big" testing it will still go through something that will cause each partner to bring pain to the other. On the other hand some marriages are violently shaken and even destroyed by lust, pride, selfishness, greed, deceit, etc. Any of these things can divide the most loving and devoted couples if they are not careful.  

It's a beautiful thing when a marriage can go through difficult times and come through stronger on the other side. Mine has and I've seen it happen for other couples as well. But one thing has come to mind recently. When a marriage goes through difficulties and makes it through the couple may be stronger, they may be wiser and even closer but there is no way they made it through without a few wounds that need to be tended to in order to insure proper healing and avoid scaring.

We can sometimes take for granted that we "made it through" and completely forget that there are wounds that need to be cared for. Both partners need to tend to the wounds of the other. When the wound is fresh it must be cleaned out - anything that doesn't belong must go, no debris can be left from the original injury that will cause the wound not to heal properly or completely. Whatever caused the problem needs to be completely removed from the relationship. Next the wound should be covered to protect from irritants or bacteria. Marital problems should not be broadcast to the whole world. If outside help is needed then it should be sought out by the couple by someone with experience dealing with those issues and with someone they trust. The last thing a marriage on the mend needs is for outsiders to come around injecting their opinions(irritants) and solutions(bacteria) into their wounds. Lastly, neither partner should pick at the scabs - not their own or their partners. Picking at the scab will only prolong the healing process by introducing more bacteria and could even result in a longer scar.

Scars in a marriage can be extremely dangerous and everything should be done to avoid one from forming. In a relationship there are really only two places were wounds can appear, in the mind and on the heart, the most dangerous being the heart.  When scar tissue forms on the heart it is not like the other heart muscle tissue. Scar tissue on the heart does not contract and cannot help the heart the pump and if enough of it forms on the heart it can cause heart failure. You see the marriage can still be destroyed, not by the initial injury or difficulty but by the lack of care to the wounds it caused. Maybe the couple won't divorce but the relationship will never be what it could be because there is not enough love pumping through it. 

We have to be careful when we come to the other side of a difficulty that we don't keep skipping along on the path naively thinking that we've left all our troubles behind. Yes, we should celebrate the victory of a marriage restored but we should never forget that during the fight for our marriage blood was shed and those wounds need to be tended to. We have to be willing to go through the healing process so that our marriages can be fully functional. If the heart of your relationship is not pumping at 100% then you suffer from poor circulation and you can't move the way you want to. You can't move the way God intends you to. The great thing about God is that it's never too late for him. At whatever point you invite him into the relationship he can move. He can speed up the healing or he can go in and remove every bit of scar tissue. It's never too late. We just need to recognize that the wounds are there and be willing to do our part to care for them. The rest is in his hands.

For he wounds, but he also binds up; he injures, but his hands also heal.
Job 5:18

Being Confident

As I look around my home I feel overwhelmed by all my shortcomings. Projects that were started with vigor and excitement lay abandoned. Many chores remain undone. Worst of all, things that should have been priority were once again pushed to the back burner, left to be attended to another day. Today is Thursday but my thoughts have already taken me well into the weekend without a moments rest. I'm frustrated with myself for falling into this pitfall once again. I should be disciplined. I should be organized. I should be focused. I should be diligent. I should be better. I have too much responsibility to be living so irresponsibly. 

Wow. Being hard on yourself much?

A voice has broken through my disappointment.

No. I'm not being hard on myself. I'm just speaking the truth. It's time for me to get my stuff together. I've been down this road too many times. 

Yes, you can be a bit flighty and you often get caught up in distractions but don't forget the good you've done. Don't forget the battles you've won. Don't forget the progress you've made. The most beautiful things in life take time reach perfection. It's through my might that you have done all these things and it is by my will that you will do much more.

 

These words are like a soothing balm to my heart. All my anxieties, my stresses, my doubt's and my fears are melted away. I still have areas where I need to grow but I also still have the God who brought me through my past struggles and who will lead me through my future sufferings. And He is all I need. 

Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

Philippians 1:6